Anxiety meds not included…

By: Tate

So my two eldest have birthdays one day a part.

Right after Christmas.

So I had a fabulous idea of taking the fam to Great Wolf Lodge to celebrate birthdays !!!!

Yes! Jackpot- I am a genius and should be worshiped by mothers all over the world!

So, Great Wolf Lodge- a little pricey but at this point, it can get me out of two parties which usually produce lots of kids and more toys. I gladly took the money I received at Christmas and took the fam to the indoor water park resort.

We arrive…. what have I done?!?!

I am a very special kind of stupid. I skipped throwing 2 kid parties only to attend one massive, ant-hill of a kid party. There are kids crawling everywhere. My anxiety level is at : someone please shoot me now.

I don’t do well in crowds. Especially with my kids who are now beyond hyped. Neither does T-bone. We both want strangle each other and everyone around us.

Don’t get me wrong the place is super cool. I’m just not made for stuff like that. I also loathe cruises. Because you know…people.

We get to the water park  and I quickly remember that I hate water. And we also learn that my daughter does too . It’s her birthday and we are both miserable.

Plus a bunch of strangers around my kids in a water park- I can’t stop thinking of all the child pervs walking around (I have hung out with Gina too long.)

Side note: Moms with flat stomachs and no stretch marks? WTH???? This mystifies me. I attribute this atrocity to witchcraft. If this is you, know that I think ugly thoughts about you and will treat you like the leper that you are.

So we (CC and I) decide to happily volunteer and go take bags to the room. Of course we have Patty (CC’s doll) and she is a lazy whore who is dead weight. We logged about 5,000 steps getting the bags into the room around the crowds of people, most of whom are kids that enjoy walking zig-zags. And me holding a million bags, holding Patty and yelling at CC. At this point I hate all these little punk kids and their parents.

Kids are running around waving these wands. D asks so innocently “Mom, where does everyone get the wands?”

I answer back: “Hell, the wands come from hell.”

Not really- I told him I don’t know because I don’t want to pay nor play with a wand.

We soon get settled and become acclimated to the mob mentality and enjoy the rest of the stay…or at least the kids do.

But I know I love my kids because I would go back because they seem to enjoy The Great Wolf Lodge. Though next time I go, I will double up on pills. They really should offer some sample dosage in the welcome packet.


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