Epidurals

By: Tate

With commentary by Ben

Something I will never be able to post…

child-birth

I won’t snap anyone like a twig. Mostly because I don’t like to touch people. I like to talk a lot smack, but I’m pretty much just mouthy.
Don’t get me wrong – I will chat you up. I’m really personable at times. But that’s where it ends. I’m not really a hugger.

Back to my point:
I went into my first pregnancy with all the classes and all the books you could read and listened to all the advice I could get.
My birthing plan was all natural.

Ppppsssshhhh.

I wasn’t even in the hospital bed before I was ordering an epidural.
They kept asking are you sure?
Heavens-yes!!!!!!
Give me all the drugs you have and keep’em coming!!!!!

I wasn’t hardly dilated but I knew all natural was not the way this was going down.

Truth be told: If drug dealers sold epidurals on the street I would be a customer. Getting an epidural was awesome. And I lied about my pain so I wouldn’t have to feel labor . Plus I wanted more of that epidural. I’m sure that is against some type of law. Lying is never good.
T-bone hates it when I talk about how much I loved the epidural. It stressed him out and I’m sure forced him to ponder his life choices on who he chose to carry his off-spring.
Though while I enjoyed half my body being numb – I did think about if the hospital was on fire. I would certainly be toast! ūüĒ•

I always look forward to a hospital stay. Being in a bed for days on end and people waiting on you hand and foot is a really great experience.

Commentary by Ben:

Clearly, I’ve never had an epidural but when my wife gave birth to our daughter, she requested one. ¬†We heard nothing but wonderful things about epidurals and how amazing they were and how exciting it would be to have a birth with less pain.

Then the anesthesiologist came in. ¬†He was the worst son-of-a-bitch I’ve ever met. ¬†First of all, his bedside manner was terrible. ¬† He worked as if he didn’t even realize there were actual human beings in the room.

Then, he began the process and I’m pretty sure he nearly killed my wife. ¬†No joke. He finally spoke to my wife and told her that if the pain radiated down her body to let him know so he could adjust the process. ¬†As it happened, the pain set in. ¬†Immense pain. ¬†My wife was sobbing and of course, Mr. Personality, would try to adjust the injection. My wife cried. ¬†Tears, wails, sobs, snot. ¬†The works–because the pain was unbearable.

He ended up taking the needle out and restarting the process. ¬†Again. ¬†The process didn’t change. ¬†She was still feeling immense pain but finally the dumbass was able to get the epidural done. ¬†He kept saying it shouldn’t have hurt that badly and I’m sure he didn’t believe my wife because he never once apologized or sympathized. ¬†I’m certain he was a sociopath.

Once it was all in and the pain was subsiding, my wife’s blood pressure bottomed out and she began vomiting. ¬†The nurse was amazing and stayed by my wife’s side for two hours. She ended up having to call the anesthesiologist back into the room after the fact to get him to help stabilize my wife. ¬†I’m pretty sure the nurse spoke strong language to that man.

As for me, several things went through my mind. ¬†I wanted to deck the asshole. ¬†But I’m not scrappy and he probably would have beaten me up. ¬†What a story to tell your child about her birth. ¬†And secondly, I kept wishing I had let my mother-in-law stay in the room with my wife as she got the epidural. ¬†Patty can definitely handle tough situations much better than me. ¬†She’s a rock in a crisis. ¬†I’m not so much. ¬†My wife says if we have another child…she’ll likely do it natural because of the bad experience.

So, if drug dealers offered epidurals on the street, my wife and I would not partake. The whole situation was an epic fail and then I had to turn around and pay that asshole $1600.00 for his butcher job.

 

 

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