So there is a pic of me chugging a beer while I am breastfeeding.
Thus the name of the blog: There will be Beer.
Ben and I are not promoting our alcoholism just to be cool.
Here is the story:
So, I have Dan in 2010. Around the time the State of Texas decided to run a huge campaign promoting breastfeeding over bottle feeding.
Because of health and wellness ….H to the No!
The state launched that campaign because new mothers on assistance would save the public about $2,000 instead of buying all that formula. But they honestly had me when I found out about all the calories you could burn while breastfeeding. I mean I love to sit around and get skinny.
Now when I first became pregnant I was a reader and all these books had me thinking breastfeeding, natural child birth, cloth diapers. But when the rubber hit the road, we all know that shiz went out the window.
Except I really tried to breast feed. I bought the Cadillac of breast pumps. Went to classes bought the books, went to classes.
So anyway, I have the baby and I go for the gold and try to breastfeed. Nope-nothing-no milk. This is a thing that happens.
Do you know what the good people at the hospital say ? They said I needed to start cup feeding this kid.
Do you know what cup feeding is?
Cup feeding is basically feeding your infant with a thimble of formula every 2 hours….
Yeah so the kid won’t want a bottle while you wait for your milk. Blah.
I look at the nurse like she has flying monkeys coming out her ears. She then tells me bottle feeding an infant is child abuse.
At this moment in time I would have said something super snarky to such an asanine comment. But I have a 12 hour old baby, that I can’t feed.
And I am beginning a downward spiral into something called Post Partum Depression.
So I cup feed my infant for two weeks. I have reached full on psycho mode and people are getting worried. So I tell my friend Shea that my milk has not come.
Listen up, people!
My body produced a baby but it refused to produce milk. My body actually said to me, “up yours, I’m not making any milk, heifer!”
Shea tells me that her friend Kacy said if I drink a beer 🍻 my milk will come. We believe Kacy because she seems super normal AND her mother is a nurse. So that practically makes her the Dr. Quinn of babies.
So me in all my motherly wisdom take the baby, start to try to feed him, and immediately chug a beer. T-bone gets a pic, to which I will never let see the light of day.
And no it didn’t work. All kids were formula fed.
And we are all bound for middle class greatness.