Slutty Santa

By: Tate

Ben announced that he and his wife are expecting.
I’m jealous.
I want another one.
Baby’s are like tattoos for me right now.
I just want more and I don’t know why.
So I think that T- bone should go get  one of those reversals done.
But then I think ugh! So much money 💰
Then It reminds me if how broke we are.
So now I’m over having another baby.

Until I see a baby or see baby clothes in a store then I’m all in my feels Again.

I only have 2 tattoos and I love my first one. It’s a white Christian fish on my wrist. I got it in 2003 before people were doing white ink or wrist tats. But I also knew someone in the biz so I had a lot of info before I got mine at 18.

So here is a story: when I got my tat on my 18th 🎉 birthday. I forgot my purse 👛.😬
And had no way to pay for my tat.
Luckily the guy who owned the shop was in charge of a charity that helps get presents to underprivileged children. He said if I volunteered to help the tattoo was on the house.
So, YES – of course!
I show up the agreed upon date. And they tell to go change into my Santa’s helper costume….

Its one of those slutty Santa helper outfits with thigh high stockings and all that mess.
At this point:  the kids can get there own gifts.

But one of the other suckers, I mean, volunteers convinced me that it wasn’t that bad and made some adjustments so I felt more comfortable.
Ok- I can do this.
So we get there. It’s an all day event, but in my mind I was going to be hanging out with kids giving them presents so no big deal.
Wrong!Wrong! Wrong!
They tell us to get on stage and dance with Santa
By this time I figure out that the other girls are all employed as strippers with the exception of one who worked in a sex shop.
I bolt.
We all rode together in a limo and I am stuck at the event. I just  run into the crowd and tried to blend in.
I can’t blend in- I’m a slutty Santa helper.
I end up having to take pictures with people.
I hate pictures, I hate people
And where  are all these underprivileged kids ???
But I don’t want to see kids because, yuck – I’m a slutty Santa helper.
So finally it’s time to go and we are all exhausted and get back into the limo.
Which at that point the girls light joints and relax.
No big deal, I’m totally cool.
But I’m not.
They ask me if I want one
Which now in retrospect was completely polite
But after the day
I blurt out, No!- roll down the window and pray Jesus comes back or for a car wreck to take me away from the miserable hour long car ride .

It’s one of those stories I will tell my kids as we drive to get their first tattoos. That way  I know for sure they don’t have to sign-up to be slutty Santa helpers.
Unless they want to be slutty Santa helpers. I will love them no matter what.
But they can’t bring those costumes in the house.
Because I’m still not over all that, yet.

In conclusion, Congrats to Ben and his family!

 

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