0

Yetti’s Birthday

By: Tate

We recently celebrated the Yetti’s Birthday. My youngest is now 3.
We threw a birthday pool party with family.
It was obvious success.

Yetti's Cake.jpg

This is the cake.
Many asked “what were you going for?”
My answer: edible.
You see this isn’t supposed to be anything but 4 small layered cakes.
No decorations- nothing.

How am I supposed to know you are supposed to put stabilizer in layered cakes. I thought the filling was supposed to act as some type of adhesive – but it doesn’t.
It just makes the cakes slippery.

Did I mention that The Yetti went off and jumped into the pool without his floaties?
Yes- this happened. And he sank like a rock.
No worries though I went right on in after him: clothes, shoes and all.

This is no surprise to me. The same thing happened, last year, with CiCi.

And just like last year I ruined my Minnetonka Moccasins.
But my kid is still alive.
So I’m happy about that.

But I still want my Minnetonka Moccasins.

0

Pool Party

By: Tate

The Yetti has a Birthday Party this Saturday.
That is what I have decided to call my third child.
Y= yetti.

It’s a pool party😒
I hate the water.
Mostly becauseI hate bathing suits.
But kids like pools.
So whateves.

My parents live across the street and have a heated pool.
So convenient.

Just checked the weather…. storms predicted for the day.

Yes, that sounds about right.

0

Birthday Week

By: Tate

This has been a week.

This week marks my 33 birthday and also my mommy makeover operation.

A mommy makeover operation can be an assortment of procedures. Mine entailed breast augmentation and a tummy tuck and little bit of liposuction.

I have been dreaming of this procedure for 2 years. I have lost 30 pounds for this.

And after my pre-op appointment–I chickened out.
For a myriad of reasons. But the doctor’s office gave me three months to set up my appointment and I won’t lose my 500 dollar deposit.

My freak outs tend to cost my husband a lot of money but then again I freak out over the cost of surgery and then that freak out costs money putting us in a downward cycle of cash, class and a lot of tears.
The bottom line is everyone loses here.

But get this: I start getting a tooth ache and go into the dentist…. turns out instead of getting a new bod, I get to spend that allotted cash to fix my grill because evidently my teeth have no enamel and I have nerve exposure…

But wait there’s more: the subject of veneers comes up and my specific, eroded teeth situation seems to be great candidates. He even goes a step further and says because I’m so gap-toothed, he will not have to shave down my teeth for the veneers.

So, not only am I not getting boobs and a new stomach–I’m now walking around with eroded, gap teeth that are complete hoebags.  And it’s going to cost a fortune.

How did T-Bone take the news?
Well: I never told him and just acted like the whole thing was never going to happen. And when the money was returned, that’s when T-Bone wised up.
He knows this is a rollercoaster ride and he can’t get off until one of us is dead.
He doesn’t know about the tooth situation- yet.

As for my birthday… it falls on National Cancer Day. And now I hate cancer more than ever because everyone will be posting sad cancer posts on Facebook instead of glitter and unicorns for my birthday.

0

Anxiety meds not included…

By: Tate

So my two eldest have birthdays one day a part.

Right after Christmas.

So I had a fabulous idea of taking the fam to Great Wolf Lodge to celebrate birthdays !!!!

Yes! Jackpot- I am a genius and should be worshiped by mothers all over the world!

So, Great Wolf Lodge- a little pricey but at this point, it can get me out of two parties which usually produce lots of kids and more toys. I gladly took the money I received at Christmas and took the fam to the indoor water park resort.

We arrive…. what have I done?!?!

I am a very special kind of stupid. I skipped throwing 2 kid parties only to attend one massive, ant-hill of a kid party. There are kids crawling everywhere. My anxiety level is at : someone please shoot me now.

I don’t do well in crowds. Especially with my kids who are now beyond hyped. Neither does T-bone. We both want strangle each other and everyone around us.

Don’t get me wrong the place is super cool. I’m just not made for stuff like that. I also loathe cruises. Because you know…people.

We get to the water park  and I quickly remember that I hate water. And we also learn that my daughter does too . It’s her birthday and we are both miserable.

Plus a bunch of strangers around my kids in a water park- I can’t stop thinking of all the child pervs walking around (I have hung out with Gina too long.)

Side note: Moms with flat stomachs and no stretch marks? WTH???? This mystifies me. I attribute this atrocity to witchcraft. If this is you, know that I think ugly thoughts about you and will treat you like the leper that you are.

So we (CC and I) decide to happily volunteer and go take bags to the room. Of course we have Patty (CC’s doll) and she is a lazy whore who is dead weight. We logged about 5,000 steps getting the bags into the room around the crowds of people, most of whom are kids that enjoy walking zig-zags. And me holding a million bags, holding Patty and yelling at CC. At this point I hate all these little punk kids and their parents.

Kids are running around waving these wands. D asks so innocently “Mom, where does everyone get the wands?”

I answer back: “Hell, the wands come from hell.”

Not really- I told him I don’t know because I don’t want to pay nor play with a wand.

We soon get settled and become acclimated to the mob mentality and enjoy the rest of the stay…or at least the kids do.

But I know I love my kids because I would go back because they seem to enjoy The Great Wolf Lodge. Though next time I go, I will double up on pills. They really should offer some sample dosage in the welcome packet.

0

Birthdays

By: Tate

I have made a decision:

I’m changing my youngest child’s birthday.

Background :

My first 2 kids have birthdays on the 1st and 2nd – right in birth order. So I decided we can make his birthday on the 3rd just to keep things organized. Plus I like to keep a party going.

In this day and age you can change your looks, your name and gender. So changing his birthday should not be a problem.

There are moments I day dream about what my kids therapy sessions will be like when they are grown. And it puts a smile on my face.