One of the magical parts of A.D.D. Is waking up to find your keys and wallet on your porch steps and your car door wide open.
Today is Good Friday. I want you all to find a small child and explain to them what Good Friday is all about. It’s super hard to do.
I did this by playing a YouTube video of Jesus dying on the cross.
One of my kids ran out of the room to throw up.
The crucifixion can be really graphic .
But kids need to know the truth.
This is where I’m really bad as a mom.
I took my kids to see the Boss Baby.
And one came away really bothered by getting old and dying.
Dan said he didn’t want to get old and die and he didn’t want me to get old and die.
I look at him and in all seriousness I say:
“You don’t have to be old to die.
Even children die.”
He looks at me and knows I’m a bad mother. Even I know at this tender moment that was the wrong thing to say.
So I take him out to eat and let him get whatever he wants.
I will blame all of this on Barbara Bush.
I once read that after she had a miscarriage she brought the fetus home in a medical glass container and set it up on the table in front of GeorgeDubya and the rest of the kids. And explained why she and her husband stood against abortion.
No matter where you stand on the subject – you gotta admire that gumption. I read that story in high school and it always stuck with me. Not the political part but the kind of mom she was. Just laying it all out there like that.
Plus- it’s so much fun to blame things on people.
We recently celebrated the Yetti’s Birthday. My youngest is now 3.
We threw a birthday pool party with family.
It was obvious success.
This is the cake.
Many asked “what were you going for?”
My answer: edible.
You see this isn’t supposed to be anything but 4 small layered cakes.
No decorations- nothing.
How am I supposed to know you are supposed to put stabilizer in layered cakes. I thought the filling was supposed to act as some type of adhesive – but it doesn’t.
It just makes the cakes slippery.
Did I mention that The Yetti went off and jumped into the pool without his floaties?
Yes- this happened. And he sank like a rock.
No worries though I went right on in after him: clothes, shoes and all.
This is no surprise to me. The same thing happened, last year, with CiCi.
And just like last year I ruined my Minnetonka Moccasins.
But my kid is still alive.
So I’m happy about that.
But I still want my Minnetonka Moccasins.
Ben announced that he and his wife are expecting.
I want another one.
Baby’s are like tattoos for me right now.
I just want more and I don’t know why.
So I think that T- bone should go get one of those reversals done.
But then I think ugh! So much money 💰
Then It reminds me if how broke we are.
So now I’m over having another baby.
Until I see a baby or see baby clothes in a store then I’m all in my feels Again.
I only have 2 tattoos and I love my first one. It’s a white Christian fish on my wrist. I got it in 2003 before people were doing white ink or wrist tats. But I also knew someone in the biz so I had a lot of info before I got mine at 18.
So here is a story: when I got my tat on my 18th 🎉 birthday. I forgot my purse 👛.😬
And had no way to pay for my tat.
Luckily the guy who owned the shop was in charge of a charity that helps get presents to underprivileged children. He said if I volunteered to help the tattoo was on the house.
So, YES – of course!
I show up the agreed upon date. And they tell to go change into my Santa’s helper costume….
Its one of those slutty Santa helper outfits with thigh high stockings and all that mess.
At this point: the kids can get there own gifts.
But one of the other suckers, I mean, volunteers convinced me that it wasn’t that bad and made some adjustments so I felt more comfortable.
Ok- I can do this.
So we get there. It’s an all day event, but in my mind I was going to be hanging out with kids giving them presents so no big deal.
They tell us to get on stage and dance with Santa
By this time I figure out that the other girls are all employed as strippers with the exception of one who worked in a sex shop.
We all rode together in a limo and I am stuck at the event. I just run into the crowd and tried to blend in.
I can’t blend in- I’m a slutty Santa helper.
I end up having to take pictures with people.
I hate pictures, I hate people
And where are all these underprivileged kids ???
But I don’t want to see kids because, yuck – I’m a slutty Santa helper.
So finally it’s time to go and we are all exhausted and get back into the limo.
Which at that point the girls light joints and relax.
No big deal, I’m totally cool.
But I’m not.
They ask me if I want one
Which now in retrospect was completely polite
But after the day
I blurt out, No!- roll down the window and pray Jesus comes back or for a car wreck to take me away from the miserable hour long car ride .
It’s one of those stories I will tell my kids as we drive to get their first tattoos. That way I know for sure they don’t have to sign-up to be slutty Santa helpers.
Unless they want to be slutty Santa helpers. I will love them no matter what.
But they can’t bring those costumes in the house.
Because I’m still not over all that, yet.
In conclusion, Congrats to Ben and his family!
I’ll be honest.
If you refer to yourself as “Dr.” anything and you can’t prescribe me any pills…
I’m rolling my eyes at you.
But not to your face.
Just in my head because I don’t want to be rude.
Let me pose this question to any new parents reading this God forsaken blog:
How can you let this world throw “Spring Forward ” at you like that?
Don’t y’all want Spring Forward to suck it?
Y’all need to rise up . Spring Forward is a dirty hoe .
And we don’t have to take it.
Ben Franklin does not run this
You know you have reached full-blown maturity when you watch or read “Gone With the Wind” and realize what a brat Scarlet really is.
She used to be one of my favorite literary characters. Now, because I’m all mature, I can’t stand that hoe.
Now I am on “Team Melody.”
She is just so kind.
Scarlet can go hungry for all I care.