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Lets Blame Barbara Bush

By: Tate

One of the magical parts of A.D.D. Is waking up to find your keys and wallet on your porch steps and your car door wide open.

Today is Good Friday. I want you all to find a small child and explain to them what Good Friday is all about. It’s super hard to do.

I did this by playing a YouTube video of Jesus dying on the cross.
One of my kids ran out of the room to throw up.
The crucifixion can be really graphic .
But kids need to know the truth.

This is where I’m really bad as a mom.

For instance:
I took my kids to see the Boss Baby.
And one came away really bothered by getting old and dying.
Dan said he didn’t want to get old and die and he didn’t want me to get old and die.
I look at him and in all seriousness I say:
“You don’t have to be old to die.
Even children die.”

He looks at me and knows I’m a bad mother. Even I know at this tender moment that was the wrong thing to say.
So I take him out to eat and let him get whatever he wants.

I will blame all of this on Barbara Bush.
I once read that after she had a miscarriage she brought the fetus home in a medical glass container and set it up on the table in front of GeorgeDubya and the rest of the kids. And explained why she and her husband stood against abortion.

No matter where you stand on the subject – you gotta admire that gumption. I read that story in high school and it always stuck with me. Not the political part but the kind of mom she was. Just laying it all out there like that.

Plus- it’s so much fun to blame things on people.

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Facebook Live Can Suck It

By: Tate

Let me start out:  it takes a lot to be me. To wake up every morning and know I have to face the day knowing full well… that I am going to have to be me all day.

With all of that said .
I went Facebook “live” Tuesday afternoon without knowing.
For the record : I don’t do the live stuff. I don’t even like my picture to be taken.
I once told a pastor of a church that I would not join because I didn’t want my picture made and displayed out in the foyer.

So try to imagine my horror when I look at my phone and discover that
for 5 whole minutes my Facebook recorded live audio of me and my kids.
I won’t watch the video- I can’t.
By the time I realized what happened.
There had been 74 views and 25 comments.

If you just thought “no big deal”
Go jump in the lake.

Just to be sure this will never happen again I erased the Facebook app and now have to go on the internets and manually log into my account every time.

Mama didn’t raise no fool.

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Senses

By: Tate

It is my understanding that if you get laser hair removal, you must first grow out that hair in the desired area.

I don’t know if that is true, but I make the decision to get laser hair removal based on that factor alone while I am in the shower.

I don’t want to shave my legs.
And what a luxury it would be to walk around this earth and not have to shave my legs.

I read an article that in Brazil, many bleach their body hair. So there’s that.

But I once heard a radio program that said there is actual scientific evidence that supports the theory that hair gives a person some sort of “6th sense” that helps the person be more aware of what’s going on around them. I totally have that.
I work off of vibes.
They are not always accurate, but I judge a person off their vibes seconds within meeting them. I think on the radio program they said hair has some sort of electro sensors. Anyway. Science, science, science.
I have tons of hair thus tons of sensors.

In fact , about 15 years ago, a group of my friends and I met this guy. Everyone immediately loved him. I shook his hand and straight out of  my mouth were the words: “I don’t like you. ”
I looked at my friend, Josh and said, “this guy is no good.”
Everyone thought I was being well… Tate-ish

And I was…. but my radar for bad people was going crazy!
And I couldn’t just sit there with all my senses going off and this incredible knowledge to bestow on all my wonderful friends who all but probably 3 thought  I was just a jerk.
But as it turns out… my friend , Josh, who I immediately shared my info with upon meeting this dude….ended up losing his girlfriend to him.

Now that’s not why I know he was a bad dude…. but you know. I think that
Josh probably thinks I am some sort of ESP genius or something and I’m fine with that.

But even with all my incredible power my hair gives me. If a laser hair removal spa would throw a few coupons my way I would gladly get rid of my leg sensors. Because really no one is going to listen to your hair sensors anyway, no matter how much they alarm you.

It’s just the ways of the world.

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Target

By: Tate

I have tried not to talk about this.

But I can’t ignore it anymore.

Target.

I know, I know – it’s so trite.

Sometimes I’m so basic- I can’t stand myself.

I tell myself I will just run in and get just one thing- I just need that one thing. From the cleaning section. I can bypass most of the store.

But here’s the deal. The Dollar Spot. That Godless Dollar spot.

But let us be real. It’s the 3-5 dollar spot, now. It used the be the Dollar spot and they changed it. No matter. We still throw our money at it anyway. Because we can’t say “no” to another $3.00 garland. So we buy countless 3-5 dollar this and thats and Target billionaires will buy another yacht. Everyone is happy.

Except our spouses. No, no. They hate us now because we drained the bank account at Target. And you know any minute now you will get a “WTH” text. Just ignore it. That’s what I do and hopefully some other disaster will distract your partner and perhaps that explanation will be better than the crap you found at the 3 to 5 dollar hot spot at Target.

Some people might say something completely idiotic like “just keep walking” past the spot.
We are all laughing at you.
You can’t.
I don’t mean to brag, but my will is pretty strong. Like, I don’t have a whole lot of upper body strength, but if the will were muscles, I wouldn’t be able to fit through the Target doors in the first place. That’s the thing: most of my gifts are unmeasurable and cannot be seen.
And every time, every time, every time I tell myself. Don’t stop at the spot. I even say it aloud as I walk in. I say out loud for the whole world to hear.
No matter.
The symphony of the spot will play and I will float over there and auto pilot takes over and at that point there is no return.
Now that I think of it, Target is evil.  But I’m hooked, I’m addicted, I can’t stop.

But just wait till I show you my Easter Egg garland. It is Fab!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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The Devil’s Handiwork

By: Tate

I hate to be the bearer of bad news but…

Time change is coming . And it is the Spring Forward one that makes you want to murder.

Why couldn’t Benjamin  Franklin mind his own business with that?
You know he just wanted to save candles. CANDLES!  And for that we all have to suffer through it.
There was a lot more time and people that were involved with bringing us Daylight Savings Time  including Presidents: Woodrow and Delano (I call FDR Delano because it’s a my little pet name for him) don’t get it twisted though I love Teddy, the other Roosevelt most.
But back to the devil’s handy work of Daylight Savings Time. Who really wants to distribute blame? It’s fun just piling on one person, especially someone like Ben Franklin who can’t defend himself. Ben also came up with the concept of Common Law Marriage. Which doesn’t bother me because it doesn’t leave me tired and ragged the way DST does.

So Day Light Savings doesn’t bother you?

You can’t see me but my arm is motioning towards the door and I’m telling you to “GET OUT”

Because like women who don’t have stretch marks after they give birth, people who have no trouble with DST simply cannot exist to me. And if that seems super harsh and wrong. So be it. I am what I am.

Happy Presidents Day!