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Slutty Santa

By: Tate

Ben announced that he and his wife are expecting.
I’m jealous.
I want another one.
Baby’s are like tattoos for me right now.
I just want more and I don’t know why.
So I think that T- bone should go get  one of those reversals done.
But then I think ugh! So much money 💰
Then It reminds me if how broke we are.
So now I’m over having another baby.

Until I see a baby or see baby clothes in a store then I’m all in my feels Again.

I only have 2 tattoos and I love my first one. It’s a white Christian fish on my wrist. I got it in 2003 before people were doing white ink or wrist tats. But I also knew someone in the biz so I had a lot of info before I got mine at 18.

So here is a story: when I got my tat on my 18th 🎉 birthday. I forgot my purse 👛.😬
And had no way to pay for my tat.
Luckily the guy who owned the shop was in charge of a charity that helps get presents to underprivileged children. He said if I volunteered to help the tattoo was on the house.
So, YES – of course!
I show up the agreed upon date. And they tell to go change into my Santa’s helper costume….

Its one of those slutty Santa helper outfits with thigh high stockings and all that mess.
At this point:  the kids can get there own gifts.

But one of the other suckers, I mean, volunteers convinced me that it wasn’t that bad and made some adjustments so I felt more comfortable.
Ok- I can do this.
So we get there. It’s an all day event, but in my mind I was going to be hanging out with kids giving them presents so no big deal.
Wrong!Wrong! Wrong!
They tell us to get on stage and dance with Santa
By this time I figure out that the other girls are all employed as strippers with the exception of one who worked in a sex shop.
I bolt.
We all rode together in a limo and I am stuck at the event. I just  run into the crowd and tried to blend in.
I can’t blend in- I’m a slutty Santa helper.
I end up having to take pictures with people.
I hate pictures, I hate people
And where  are all these underprivileged kids ???
But I don’t want to see kids because, yuck – I’m a slutty Santa helper.
So finally it’s time to go and we are all exhausted and get back into the limo.
Which at that point the girls light joints and relax.
No big deal, I’m totally cool.
But I’m not.
They ask me if I want one
Which now in retrospect was completely polite
But after the day
I blurt out, No!- roll down the window and pray Jesus comes back or for a car wreck to take me away from the miserable hour long car ride .

It’s one of those stories I will tell my kids as we drive to get their first tattoos. That way  I know for sure they don’t have to sign-up to be slutty Santa helpers.
Unless they want to be slutty Santa helpers. I will love them no matter what.
But they can’t bring those costumes in the house.
Because I’m still not over all that, yet.

In conclusion, Congrats to Ben and his family!

 

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Chapel Dating

By: Tate

The best Valentine’s Day is one that is spent in pajamas watching Bridget Jones Diary and Gilmore Girls. You can’t beat that.

But in honor of the special occasion…

Here is a V-Day treat.

T-bone and I met through his girlfriend. Who was a roommate of one of my friends and fellow sorority sister…..
I was zoned in from the moment I met him.

That was almost 2 years ago and he and his girl are about to get engaged.
I was not bothered by this tiny detail.
Because I once heard part of a radio broadcast of Dr. Laura saying any man is free game as long as he wasn’t wearing a wedding ring…
I really like Dr. Laura’s style on this.

So I was still in the game.

But low and behold I get a phone call from my friend over Christmas break.

“They Broke Up!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Deeds said she remembers all the screaming  for joy ensued there after.
“Operation Boyfriend” commenced that very night and I had 2 best friends helping me coerce T-bone into falling in love with me.

The 3 of us devised all types of sneaky attempts of putting T-bone and I together. Group dates, random house visits, getting important intel about his whereabouts and what not.

It took a year of light stalking and scheming.

And don’t get it twisted- I wasn’t at home knitting when he wasn’t falling for all my business.

In fact, during that time, I was falling short on chapel credits because here is a shocker: I lost my card to show I had been to chapel. and B) I didn’t go.
So I devised a great plan to get me to start going to chapel at good ole HSU.

Note: the University I attended mandated every student to attend so many chapel ceremonies. Most students take care of this within there first 2 years at HSU. Me- I was scrounging for chapel credit up until the semester I graduated.

Chapel dates. Yes. We have to be there anyway SO might as well make a date out of it.
Well: I still didn’t go even when I did get a date for chapel. And do you know that wasn’t easy, either.

Yeah- when I would ask a boy to ask me out on a chapel date, he would freeze up and get weird and good grief – it’s not like you are spending any money, you have to be there anyway. I’m just putting some icing on this obligation and calling it a date.
Nope-many still didn’t go for this. And it was totally their loss because I’m a really good time.

(Editor’s Note (from Ben) Tate and I went to HSU at the same time and ran around in the same circles.  Never once did she ask me on a “Chapel Date.” I like to think I would have gone, but honestly, I probably would have looked at her like she was a wing nut. I was a bit of a cynic in college–and probably still am.  The first time I saw Tate was at Chapel…that’s a whole other story for a different time.)
If I were man at Hardin-Simmons University, what would I do with all my power?
You see HSU is a Baptist liberal arts college in the belt buckle of the Bible Belt called Abilene Texas. I tried desperately to be a lady there- but if ever being lady got in the way of fun- the lady-ness would have to take a leave of absence.
For example: at dances I would try to wait for a guy to ask me a dance.
Because me, I am dancing fool.
So when no one would ask me to dance, I would either run through galloping on my imaginary horse amongst the dancing couples- I mean, I didn’t straight iron my hair for nothing! Or I would just wait patiently like a little flower with my hand held up in the air just in case one of the guys couldn’t see me ( I was usually taller all the girls and most guys) but just in case- I would leave my hand up to let them know I was here to dance.
Later- I would just tell them to ask me to dance and what song selection I preferred.
You know because some guys are better at fast dancing. And some are better at slow dancing.

And the thing is once I caught T-bone he doesn’t even like to dance. So whenever I go to dances, I still have to figure out how to trick men into dancing with me.

Luckily, Dan is getting older and he is my kid. So I can make him dance with me anytime I want. ❤️️❤️️❤️️
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I also forgot how much I love judging and rating everyone’s Valentine’s gifts on Facebook.
That’s always a lot of fun.