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Slutty Santa

By: Tate

Ben announced that he and his wife are expecting.
I’m jealous.
I want another one.
Baby’s are like tattoos for me right now.
I just want more and I don’t know why.
So I think that T- bone should go get  one of those reversals done.
But then I think ugh! So much money 💰
Then It reminds me if how broke we are.
So now I’m over having another baby.

Until I see a baby or see baby clothes in a store then I’m all in my feels Again.

I only have 2 tattoos and I love my first one. It’s a white Christian fish on my wrist. I got it in 2003 before people were doing white ink or wrist tats. But I also knew someone in the biz so I had a lot of info before I got mine at 18.

So here is a story: when I got my tat on my 18th 🎉 birthday. I forgot my purse 👛.😬
And had no way to pay for my tat.
Luckily the guy who owned the shop was in charge of a charity that helps get presents to underprivileged children. He said if I volunteered to help the tattoo was on the house.
So, YES – of course!
I show up the agreed upon date. And they tell to go change into my Santa’s helper costume….

Its one of those slutty Santa helper outfits with thigh high stockings and all that mess.
At this point:  the kids can get there own gifts.

But one of the other suckers, I mean, volunteers convinced me that it wasn’t that bad and made some adjustments so I felt more comfortable.
Ok- I can do this.
So we get there. It’s an all day event, but in my mind I was going to be hanging out with kids giving them presents so no big deal.
Wrong!Wrong! Wrong!
They tell us to get on stage and dance with Santa
By this time I figure out that the other girls are all employed as strippers with the exception of one who worked in a sex shop.
I bolt.
We all rode together in a limo and I am stuck at the event. I just  run into the crowd and tried to blend in.
I can’t blend in- I’m a slutty Santa helper.
I end up having to take pictures with people.
I hate pictures, I hate people
And where  are all these underprivileged kids ???
But I don’t want to see kids because, yuck – I’m a slutty Santa helper.
So finally it’s time to go and we are all exhausted and get back into the limo.
Which at that point the girls light joints and relax.
No big deal, I’m totally cool.
But I’m not.
They ask me if I want one
Which now in retrospect was completely polite
But after the day
I blurt out, No!- roll down the window and pray Jesus comes back or for a car wreck to take me away from the miserable hour long car ride .

It’s one of those stories I will tell my kids as we drive to get their first tattoos. That way  I know for sure they don’t have to sign-up to be slutty Santa helpers.
Unless they want to be slutty Santa helpers. I will love them no matter what.
But they can’t bring those costumes in the house.
Because I’m still not over all that, yet.

In conclusion, Congrats to Ben and his family!

 

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The Bend and Snap

By: Tate

Some of us will remember the time Elle Woods taught America the “Bend and Snap” in the cinematic classic:
Legally Blonde.

Bend and Snap

If you have not seen this masterpiece …what’s wrong with you?

Anyway… around here me and the kids still do the Bend and Snap.

Snap

It just looks a little different.

Shocked? That I snap my own green beans.
Me too.

 

Green Beans

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Restored Faith in Humanity

By: Tate
The Italy Basketball Boys team made it to regional semi-finals. For which the whole fam traveled an hour and a half to watch… and even though our team lost we were not disappointed.

See video below:

http://scttx.com/articles/tenaha-defeats-italy-players-display-inspiring-sportsmanship

If you are like me- you won’t click on that video link.

So basically:
In the last seconds of the game the Tenaha Coach put in a player with special needs. He makes a basket and the crowd goes wild.
But then Italy continues to play with the gentleman by continually feeding him the ball until the game is over. It was one of those gushing moments that made you want to throw rose petals everywhere because your faith is restored in humanity, yada.

BUT what you don’t realize is this: Two of those players in the video are brothers: Jr. and Nunu.
Omgeeee have you ever said you known a person named Nunu???? I love it and I feel super cool writing it out.
So anyway, Jr. and his brother Nunu are out on the court cheering on the young man and rebounding and passing him the ball.

But you don’t know that these brothers lost their dad suddenly this past year. As in, like 6 months ago. Did you get that????

2 high school boys experience terrible tragedy and enormous grief are in that video displaying amazing humanity. Thank you God that for incredible humans like Jr. and Nunu.

Tears, I’ve had tears all day long.
I hope I can leave a legacy such as that.
Probably won’t happen for me because while I got to see that beautiful display, I didn’t actually see the basket being made because my youngest had his leg stuck in the chair and I swear for a second we were going to have to cut it off in order to set him free.

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This is how I want to die.

By: Tate

I’m on the couch flat on my back watching Super Why (kid’s show).

The show asked Y his name.
Y replies: Superman.
He is serious.

I look up at him. I’m laying down and he is sitting and super focused on the show.

I have a unique view of Y’s face. A real close up of his jowls. Imagine you are sitting under Winston Churchill’s chin.

winston churchill.jpg

I tell Y: “I could eat you.”

Side bar: I think it is totally normal to want to eat fat babies. Just call me Jonathan Swift. I’m pretty sure he is Tay-Tay’s great Uncle. And I take all my parenting advice from him. He has a great story about society and babies.

Anyway. I say to Y : “I want to eat your face.”
Without pause and his gaze never leaving the TV, he plops his face on my face.

This is how I want to die.

This is the same kid that wages war on the vacuum. He really has a lot of Chutzpah.

Note: I love Yiddish words. And I’m dying for a friend that knows things about this culture. I don’t know how to say that without sounding completely ignorant. But I have e-mailed every Hebrew organization who offers free classes and no one wants me.

I even Facebook message the people at Mench on the Bench and still nothing.

I live in small town Texas. Can’t there be some type of cultural out-reach program??? So before any of you fancy city folk tell another Deliverance joke, know there are people dying to be culturally educated but can’t leave the small town life because they are poor and need to be able to go into the Dollar General with out having an anxiety attack due to the fear of the kids being kidnapped.